The Worst Death According to an Art Student As Imagined In the Voice of my Uncle Don

“A friendamine told me about this way to kill a guy—y’ready fu’this?
ya gotta have this thing called plastuh—
y’know, that stuff ya spread on walls to make ’em flat?
Ya gotta mix it up—
and it hardens quick so you have to’ve tied the guy up—
knocked him out maybe.
God, this is real sick—ya pour the plastuh down his throat, right?
fill his stomach up, a bellyfulath’stuff—
pro’ly tastes like hell but he’s so out who cares?
Listen, so ya pour it holdin’ his mouth open with y’hand like this, see?
My guy says it hardens in like twunny minutes—
like a rock in only twunny minutes—hardcore stuff.
Now this is th’sick part: imagine this—
just imagine wakin’ up to this plastuh hardened solid in y’stomach.
If ya moved, it’d rip up everythin’ inside—
just rip y’body to shreds.
Just imagine somethin’ goin’ down so smooth like that
and then turnin’ so hard inside, so hard it’d kill ya.”

— 2011