How to Be Sexy

It’s real easy, if you know how to do it.
First you need a face.
I know where you can get one—
you’ve gotta take a cab there but, they’ll do all the work.
They’re great about it.
Great waiting room.
None of that Better Homes and Gardens shit,
they’ve got Teen People.
Just don’t look in any mirrors for a few days.
That’s what they said.
Then you'll need some legs.
My sister knows a farm where they grow them fresh.
You can pick your own.
But I’d get there pretty early if I were you—
the long ones always go first.
The boobs, I think, are the hardest part.
When you go down to the shops in Chinatown
ask to go into the back rooms,
they hide them there.
Don’t make it a big deal, they spook like horses.
Yeah there’s a couple more things
but you get the idea.
Once you got everything,
it’s real easy like I said.
You should probably take up smoking too,
take some night classes on it,
learn how to take a long drag and
blow it out like you’re just dyin’ to kiss ‘em,
like you’re just dyin’ to tell ‘em all kinds of terribly sexy things
but there’s never enough time.
Look like you’re real disappointed about that, too.
Anyway I’m sure I've got some old lips
lying around somewhere you can have,
I never use the same pair twice.

— 2009